Still awake until the crack of dawn, tossing and turning, recalling the days and experiences I had this past few months… realizing that I am not the same.
Who am I? What happened to me? Where’s the innocent, silent, unadulterated, innocuous me? All I can see is a person who’s vindictive, resentful, implacable and bitter. Who is to be blame? Is it me or the people who came and have a hold over me?
It’s a monotonous aphorism that we should learn from our experiences, we should be able to know what to do if faced with the same predicament. I know it’s stupid to make the same mistake again… and again… and again. Yes, I experienced them, but then I kept on repeating the same blunder over again, stupid!
I told my self that I have learned from it - but now I am faced with the question whether my conduct justified such learning? All throughout my restlessness, the notion of pessimism answered such query. Where is that conviction on my diffidence, modesty, humility and reticence that I used to strongly hold on to? Sad to say, it’s almost gone, but then not too late to recuperate.
Is it really me to be blame? Or those people who manipulated or influenced me, the people who took advantage of my compassion and empathy? The impair that resulted caused me to raise my defenses. Avert myself from probable repetition of such affair.
Now, is it me… or them to be blame?
